Ever feel like your dog’s trying to tell you something, but you’re just not getting it? You’re not alone. Our dogs are constantly communicating with us, often in ways we don’t immediately understand. Recently, I shared a post about giving little dogs more choices in their lives, and today, I want to dive a bit deeper—especially when it comes to shy dogs.
We sometimes struggle to respect their communication. No judgment—it’s usually just misinterpretation. We can miss their cues, especially when a dog seems to opt in to interactions, even though they'd probably prefer not to.
I recognize that I’m projecting a little here in my observation here so pardon me for it. But it seems that sometimes, little or shy dogs feel like they don’t have a choice. So, they engage on their own terms, in ways they can control. If you’ve seen this in your own dog, you might have noticed similar behavior. It happens with people and other dogs alike.
I’ve seen it plenty of times in class during social time: the room or yard is full of puppies interacting, and then there’s that one shy or nervous dog who suddenly rushes up to the group, gives a quick, almost frantic face lick, and then dashes away. It’s easy to interpret that as “just saying hi,” but often that rushed interaction is actually a plea for space.
The term is a "kiss to dismiss." This describes when a dog does a quick, repetitive face lick and then looks away. Far from being affectionate, this is sometimes the dog’s way of saying, “I need some space.” But so often, people misinterpret it as “giving kisses,” which is the opposite of what’s happening.
When you start to view these moments from the dog’s perspective, it’s pretty eye-opening. Imagine if, every time you said “please don’t touch me there,” someone immediately touched you there. Or if every time you asked someone to back up, they moved in for a hug. It’s overwhelming! Honestly, just typing that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
The tricky part is, when these subtle signals go unnoticed for long enough, dogs learn that they don’t work. So, they turn up the volume: a snarl, a growl, a snap, or even a bite. And to us, this looks like “unprovoked aggression that came out of nowhere.”
But aggression never comes out of nowhere. We just might not see how they’ve been provoked. While that doesn’t make the aggression acceptable, it’s important to understand that dogs do what works for them. If one way of communicating stops working, they’ll try something else.
So, what do we do about it? How can we adjust our approach to better respect the communication our dogs are giving us?
Here are a few practical tips to help:
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Let your dog approach you.
Instead of reaching out to pet your dog, show them your hand and allow them to decide if they want to interact. If they move away or look disinterested, resist the urge to reach out again. Giving them the space to make the first move can build trust, and you might be surprised by how much more affectionate they become when they’re the ones initiating. -
Give regular breaks from affection.
When petting your dog, pause every five to ten seconds. If they stay close or lean in, they likely want more attention. But if they move away when you stop, they may have been tolerating the petting rather than enjoying it. This helps ensure your dog feels comfortable and able to opt out if they want to. -
Be mindful of where you touch.
Certain spots on a dog’s body are typically more enjoyable for them—like the chest, behind the ears, or under the chin. Petting on top of the head, however, can feel uncomfortable for many dogs. While they may tolerate it, or even come to enjoy it in some contexts, watch for subtle cues like squinting eyes or pinned-back ears, which might indicate they’re not as into it as we think.
These practices might seem overly simple, but they can make a big difference in how dogs experience affection and interaction. Plus, it encourages a dog to make different choices if they know they have the option.
I wish dog communication was as obvious to everyone as it becomes once you learn the signs. If you’re unsure what your dog is trying to tell you, or if you need help interpreting their body language, don’t hesitate to reach out to me or another certified trainer. We’re here to help you understand what your dog is saying—before they feel the need to “say it louder."
Skylar McClellan, CPDT-KA